Monday Morning Quarterback

I was thinking yesterday about football. Not surprising, since yesterday was a Sunday during football season, and we are a football family. But specifically, I was thinking that marriage is like football, or vice versa. Yet, it's not. At least not for me. If anything, my marriage is the opposite of football, but I have seen many marriages that are like football. I mean, think about it, 2 people on opposing sides, each trying to have their side win - whether it's an argument or point of view or belief system, whatever. Each side tries to force their idea through the block, score the touchdown and win. But if you take that approach to marriage, you will most likely end up in divorce court.

I realized yesterday just how opposite my marriage is to all that, based on a recollection I was pondering.

You see, my husband and I grew up in the SF Bay Area. He grew up on the 49ers, and I on the Raiders. Those were the teams we inherited and we gave them our loyalty. I even retained my loyalty to the Raiders after my father gave up on them when they moved to LA. They were my team - good, bad, indifferent, whether in Oakland, LA, or Mars. My husband hated the Raiders. I'm not sure why but I suspect that was inherited too. But, because he loved me, he tolerated my love for my team and didn't root against them when they played (at least not outwardly) and we could watch together. Since we live in the Midwest, getting to watch a west coast game was a rare thing, so when I watched the Raiders he didn't boo, and when he watched the 49ers, I didn't boo. It was a mutual respect thing.

Along the way though, some things changed. During an extremely bad period in our lives, we had to go back to CA. For a brief while, we got to see our teams on the local news, watch the games, stuff like that. And while we were there, we were hit broadside with some things from our respective pasts that made us realize we didn't want to be part of it anymore. Now, most people would say, "But it's family, what are you going to do?" and they'd shrug and try to muddle through with all the pain and heartache and betrayal. My husband and I aren't like that. Some call us grudge-holders, others say we're unforgiving, still others call us bitter. But it's not like that for us. We just have the attitude that life is too short to surround yourself with people who hate you, whether you share DNA or not. Would you have dinner every night with the kids who beat you up in gradeschool or highschool, or your abusive former spouse? I thought not. You just move on. That's what we decided to do.

And at some point, we realized we didn't really root for our teams anymore. They sort of became symbolic of all we wanted to leave behind. We realized we needed a team of our own: a team we both liked, a team we could both root for, a personal home team, whether we lived near them or not. A team of choice and not of inheritance. We started with one team local to the area we hope to live in one day, but found we just couldn't get into the spirit. What was our team? One Sunday afternoon a couple of years ago, we figured it out. A team we'd liked for a while, a team whose spirit we admired, that was our team. And it felt so right to have our own team, a team we'd chosen together.

That's how I think marriage should be. Something you both choose to be loyal to no matter who or what you cared about in the past. It defines you, gives you a cause, something to root for. Now, we don't live in our teams' local area, so when they come here to play we know we're in sparse company - some might even say enemy territory. The local fans would jeer us. But it's OUR team and we will root for them no matter what, no matter where we are. Same with our marriage. We will root for it no matter who it angers, no matter where we are, because it's OUR marriage and this is what we choose to be loyal to. Come hell or high water. This marriage is our team, and we will cheer it, so I say "Go Team Us!"

And I also say, "GO Patriots!" :)